Almost gave up on this day
Updated: Jun 17, 2020
Have you ever had one of those days when you started your day in a fog and a slump that seemed to come from absolutely no where. Nothing in particular wrong; yet somehow you don't feel right. Yesterday morning I was completely in this space. I started searching my mind looking for reasons why I had these feelings. Coming up with excuses like "my job is so demanding, am I in the right field," "ugh these kids are so draining, am I not doing this mothering right?" and the list goes on and on. These emotional feelings of Blah cycled to mental stories of dissatisfaction and perpetually reinforced themselves for most of the day.
Somewhere around 9:00pm I decided to crash on the sofa and take a well deserved break from my not so great day.The day seemed like a blur and I felt like doing something indulgent and mindless like binge watching a couple episodes of The Flash on Netflix before I went to bed. This day was a wash anyway. I quickly remembered I had told my hubby I would vacuum and pulled my self up off the couch and begrudgingly got the vacuum. As I was vacuuming, I started to go deeper into self-pity thinking how terrible I was for letting this day be characterized by my disengagement. Didn't I have so much to be grateful for? I hardly remembered interacting with my family or doing any work even though I knew it had gotten done. From the outside I probably looked like a Boss B** but feeling totally disconnected on the inside.
In that moment I felt the vibration of the vacuum going through my right arm and had a split second thought of how weird of feeling that was. In that moment, I created just enough space to become the "watcher" of my thoughts, feelings and senses. I felt the fluffy shag run under each one of my toes as I stepped on a newly vacuumed area. I listened for the different sounds as I moved into different areas of the room, each having its own acoustic flavor. Just as I narrowed my focus even more to the ebbs and flows of the vibrations in my arm with each stroke of the wand, I came to the awareness that I can make a choice about the story I tell myself about how I feel. If I "woke up on the wrong side of the bed", then it's ok to leave it at that. There doesn't have to be a meaning about every fleeting emotion or even prolonged blahness. If I can resist the urge to give meaning to these feelings and find the presence, feet hitting hard woods in the morning, early morning sounds or silence, I may find my emotions may fall in line. At the very least I will cut off the exhausting mental analytics that sometimes seem to be in a constant state of calculations.
After I put away the vacuum I decided to get ready for bed. I choose to skip the binge fest and make a choice to take a well deserved shower and go to bed. As I was walking downstairs I remembered little moments though out the day when the 4yr old made a joke that she couldn't stop laughing at or the corner smile the 10yr old gave me when I asked her if she liked being alone. I imagined in her head she was like "Hell yes, These sisters get on my nerves" I chuckled to myself and thought...I guess I wasn't totally in a fog today. I felt grateful for those moments I could recall. They seemed so precious and I felt so light and peaceful thinking of them. It was the best I'd felt all day. I learned a very moving lesson yesterday. I can choose if I want my day to be a wash. I can let go of all the guilt, shame, confusion, and frustration of the day, because honoring the gift of the present moment truly set me free..