I never knew just how hard I was being on myself. How much I was not extending the grace and compassion I regularly extended to others, back to myself. I sat down in my closet ready to take the next 5 minutes to do my mindfulness meditation for the day. I managed to wrangle some time away from the kids and had a slice of peace and quiet to myself. It took me a breath or two to settle in, be in the moment and connect my mind to my body at that very moment. It took another minute to ground myself and put a metaphorical spotlight on myself. To become the lead character of my life for the moment and not be in the supporting role of mother, wife, sister and friend.
The befriending meditation was a new meditation that was the focus for the week. It was a guided meditation so the voice on the recording began by asking me to say a few things to myself. "May I be free from suffering." "May I be happy and be at peace." Repeating these phrases, turned inward is a way to invite compassion into my life. A way for me to develop an awareness of when I am not showing myself compassion. To date it has been the hardest meditation I've done thus far, hands down. As I was repeating the phrase I longed to have a connection to the words I was saying, but instead an inner monologue was on repeat telling me that suffering is my lot in life right now. So, just suck it up. Every time I formed my mouth to say "May I have peace, my mind almost instinctively replied "uhh Hell no."This is just this phase of life. It's crazy and there is no room for peace." I softly cried because I had no idea that this is what I was telling myself everyday. If this is what was running through my sub conscience mind all this time, I didn't stand a chance
As we moved along in the meditation and turned the befriending mantras outward towards family and coworkers. aquantainces and even frenemies. I felt the meditation becoming easier and I felt more emotionally connected to meditating on Wishing everyone else in the world peace and happiness but myself. That was eye opening. After completing the meditation, I was resolved to practice this whole week on the befriending meditation. Last week was a hot mess because everyone had the flu including my husband so I literally did one breath exercise the whole week. This week I am recommitting myself to my mindfulness practice and will be doing the befriending meditation all week. After all, I'm a pretty cool chick and I officially give myself permission to Wish myself well.
